While I agree that science should serve its own ends, disinterestedly, I nonetheless feel that sometimes the deeply felt needs of humanity at large should be allowed to raise the priority of certain research programs of immediate urgency.

To wit:  What's the deal with propeller beanies?  They have a long history as the preferred headgear of such crypto-elite groups as the SMOF.  And yet, who really knows what function they serve?  Or what effects they have?

While we remain at the stage of hypothesis-formation (or abduction, if you will), two possibilities seem to stand out:  that the propeller beanie is an indicator, or that it is a regulator.  Allow me to explain.

Though normal motion will, of course, create air currents sufficient to cause propeller rotation, let us assume a stationary subject in a closed room with still air.  Heat from the wearer's head should rise, and thus impel roation in the propeller.  In this way, the beanie may serve as an indicator of head temperature, and, further, of fluctuating rates of heat dissipation.  So, (once our grant is obtained from the National Academy of Sciences) we can attach a laser pointer, or similar device, to the side of the beanie; interruption of the beam by the moving blades may then be recorded by, e.g., a suitably-placed photoelectric cell, thereby giving us a measurement of the rate of rotation, and of its changes.  We may control for heat dissipated by the laser by taking a base measure of movement of an unworn beanie.  In combination with equipment to continuously measure the subject's temperature, we can work up a fairly robust account of the relationship between angular speed (and acceleration) of the propeller blades and heat dissipation across the upper scalp.  At this point we have made the propeller beanie into a useful instrument in the pursuit of truth.

Now, onward into the theoretical depths!  The brainpan being generally regarded as the seat of the soul, we may now use our newly-developed and brightly-colored laboratory apparatus for some substantive work on cognition.  Let us assemble a graduated series of problem-solving tasks - such as the Towers of Hanoi, graded sudoku problems, etc. - and see if "thinking harder" increases rate of rotation.  If this hypothesis pans out, and rotation does increase as our subject's thinker gets over-heated, we will have fully operationalized the notion of intellectual work!  At this point, we may further hypothesize that the popularity of these deceptively-simple novelty caps among the world's hidden elites has always secretly been a form of subtle boasting - the faster one's propeller turns, the greater the mental activity one reveals.  This affords ample opportunity for flexing one's cognitive muscles, as it were - though one might conceivably "cheat" by the internal manipulation of other phenomena such as emotional agitation.

As for the propeller beanie as a regulator:  We cannot neglect the fact that the upward current of heated air off the skull may to some extent be increased one the propeller has been accellerated up to an equilibrium point (and perhaps during the accellerative process itself - an area for further investigation).  This raises the possibility that the beanie's propeller may serve as a crude radiator, slightly cooling the brain, and perhaps allowing for greater mental exertions with less wear and tear on the neural infrastructure.  In this sense, the propeller beanie may also serve as a primitive noötropic device - which is to say, an intelligence enhancer.

Clearly, there is much difficult - and exciting! -  work ahead of us, but, with sufficient funding, I, at least, am willing to undertake it, for great justice, and the ongoing advancement of the geek nation.